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Making T&T great (again)

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Okay. So the slogan is not entirely original. Stole it from what’s-his-name: the guy from the US primaries with the hair and the wall and the daughter he would not have minded dating had things been different.

But, given the enthusiastic responses to my column last week, which dealt with the high level of ignorance when it comes to the Caricom Single Market, I thought I should come up with a manifesto of sorts to ensure we elevate T&T to a state of glory and regional ascendancy and make it great once more.

The first thing we have to do – after introduction of the public whipping of school children and “illegal immigrants” and the installation of gallows at Woodford Square - is to commit to build that wall. We will reach nowhere with these small islanders – and that includes Jamaica and Guyana, the two smallest of all the “islands” and the ones we need to watch the most. What they think it is? Are we going to become a nation of immigrants, where everybody has a tanty or uncle or nennen born somewhere else? (Oh, wait! Never mind …).

If we aren’t careful, there will soon be 2.5 million Jamaicans here to add to the tens of thousands of weed-smoking, reggae-playing, Rasta-hairstyled “illegals”. At least that’s the estimate of the most cited authority on such matters – a former low-level army officer. Statisticians and demographers move over.

Not to speak about de Chinee and Syrians … and dem. Once we get hold of their secret recipes, especially for the preparation of lamb and seafood, we can either send them on their way or house them at special camps where we can take pictures of their children eating mud and sleeping on cold concrete – the kind of floors we keep nice and shiny for the Guyanese and Jamaicans at the airport. 

Mattresses and toilets are extravagances best left for the Immigration Detention Centre where we should also install a rock quarry and medical experimentation centre complete with shared shower facilities that can pump gases and be sealed off for greatest effect.

So, let’s put up a concrete wall; with gates to allow us, real Trinis, to have an occasional swim at Maracas, Vessigny and Manzanilla. Hey, that way we will also address the issue of coastal erosion.

Speaking of which. About this climate change business. Like the usefulness of vaccines, this is all a hoax. You realise that this a Masonic conspiracy? Because they want the contract to build the wall, they have come up with this fantasy about sea-level rise, global warming and long-term changes in weather patterns. Don’t believe what they say about El Niño and La Niña. They are Mexicans. Build the wall and let them pay for it. The Jamaicans and Guyanese can’t afford it and the Masons charge ridiculously for such projects.

The obstructionists at the Environmental Management Authority (EMA) and the hippie-environmentalists need to all go on a fast – a long one at some street corner or on the seawall at Mosquito Creek.

The next thing that goes into this manifesto is for us to put our women in their proper places. Who else but a band of brilliant, celibate men to pronounce authoritatively on the reproductive rights of women? Can you imagine what would happen if we left such decisions in the hands of women?

The next thing you know they would ask us to do the cooking and sweeping and refuse to participate in Miss World and Miss Universe competitions. So, that one goes high up on the “to-do” list.

Also note that what is important is not the age at which our laws permit the marriage of children, girls in particular (because these days they look ripe and juicy at a younger age) but when they are observed to start having sex. There are holy books whose sections on this should be written into law.

Then, what’s this nonsense with LGBTQRSTUVWX? Who or what is them? Article 10 of the manifesto: “Restrict use of the letters of the alphabet to describe gender.” At the current rate we will run out of letters and may have to resort to the use of symbols … like Prince.

I am also making a little note here about healthcare. Listen, this world is about survival of the fittest. If people want to be poor and unemployed and bordering on hopelessness that’s their business. Why should public funds be used to take care of the useless, lazy lochos? Let the unemployed louts purchase insurance or allow natural selection to do its work.

Then there is this disgusting belief that legislating a minimum wage would somehow “help” lazy people. This manifesto would declare that unless workers give their employers a fair day’s work – all 10 hours of it, six days a week with lunch at their work station – not one green cent more should be paid, much less a minimum amount that is legislated. I thought we signed on to free enterprise?

Come on. What’s the delay? Let’s make T&T great again! I say no more. Mic drop.


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