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Imps of letters

Published: 
Friday, November 13, 2015

We measure our own moods, wittingly or unwittingly. If you find yourself snapping at your spouse and/or kids, eg, you might ask yourself, “Could it be coffee time?” I know I’m despairing over Trinidad whenever I find myself sublimating our tragedies into comedy.

Every firetrucking Friday, then.

But even more so when, in one week, two videos go viral, one of a man beating a woman—and our response is to demand he gets beaten himself—and the other showing profoundly ignorant young men getting all the answers they need and an AK-47 from religion—and we choose not to recognise the same “thinking” that leads us to sanctimoniously avoid eating fish on Friday. 

If David Rudder and Dr Sabga Jnr are now honorary men of letters, I was always the genuine “imps” of imaginary letters to the editor. 

Sir:

The UNC democratic process will see me re-elected Political Leader. Surely my gym boots are stronger indicia of charisma than a bow tie? Especially a clip-on? As for the one who went on the Syrian diet and staple his stomach, “Better a real Rude Gyal than a Fake Roodal.” I bound to win it back. Surely not even I could lose ANOTHER election?

Kamla Perhaps-the-Odds-are-Better

Relying on the Law of Averages

Rienzi Not Complex

Sir:

Just letting you know, in my charismatic and irresistibly incredibly sexy style, that I’m glad to have been elected Prime Minister of the world’s most civilised country. At last I can stop preparing for that audition for “Canada’s Got Talent.”

Justin Trudeau

Buying Lunch His Handsome Self at a Hot Dog Stand Whatever It Takes to Stay on Women’s Cellphone Screensavers

Sir:

Back in Trinidad, I was real dunce. Me couldn’t read a whole newspaper story, not even a comics strips, self. But, in’sh’Allah and shish kebab, I get real bright as soon as I reach in God country. As me get consecrate, me start to concentrate, Allah-u-akbar-and-Omar Sharif but I reading all them sura and even pronouncing, “Qu’ran” as three syllable: Y’Boy get smart enough to pronounce apostrophe and all! 

And I murdering people for God now, instead of for Cookeen and cash. I was bandit in the Great Devil West but I is jihadist in the Holy Land. Same wuk, me just putting it down for a new Boss. And I getting real promotion when I dead, 57 dutty scabbical, instead of them cyar even afford coffin for me at home.

Muhammud-ibn-abu-ayn-al-hammam Babba Ganoush

Soldier of God of the Islamic State

Formerly Mikey from Behind the Bridge

Sir:

Can we appoint Republican presidential contender, Ben Carson, principal of QRC? His theory that the pyramids were grain storehouses built by the holy prophet of God, Joseph, not tombs built by secular pharaohs, is exactly the kind of brilliant analytical thinking our schools need, and aligns with my own hopes of replacing sex education with the rosary.

Anthony Garcia

Ministry of Education, Pujas & Novenas

God’s Right Hand But 

Far from the PM

Sir:

Instead of forcing our children to study anti-God science, which leads to knowledge and, ergo, away from faith and, ergo, is the direct cause of teenaged pregnancy, I will direct the Caribbean Examinations Council to have biology, physics and chemistry CXCs replaced by CXCs in Hail Marys, Blessed Bes and the Our Father.

Father Anthony Garcia

Minister of God

Educating the Pagans

Sir:

The above letter does not accurately represent the government’s view. The only reason the government speaks through me is that it is more efficient for one single person to articulate the multiple polices needed to save the country; also, I have the smallest feet and biggest mouth.

Maxie Hand-Cuffie-the-Facts

Minister of Lies Well Told, But at Least the Waiting for BC to Lash Me is Over

Sir:

Mischievous people claim it is muzzling the Cabinet. Others say it reveals my dictatorial tendencies. We package it as doing the people’s work, not chattering! But the real reason for having the Information Minister only speak on government matters is we only have to remove one foot from one mouth per week.

Dr Keith Rowley

Head Down

Desperately Trying to Stave 

Off the Pre-Collapse

Sir:

Would you tell everyone to stop praying to me all the time? It’s like seven billion mosquitoes in a man’s ears! Thank Me for the atheists! I made you all for my amusement, not my harassment. I have a perfect plan for all creation and all eternity and I’m not going to firetruck it up because you don’t want rain on your wedding day, capisce? Buy an umbrella and shut the firetruck up!

God In Heavens

But Considering 

Moving to Hell 

for some Peace 

& Quiet

Sir:

I’m glad the Keystone pipeline has been stopped. We need to think about the kind of world we will leave behind for Keith Richards.

BC Pires

Stealing a Joke from 

the Internet, But a Good One

Sir:

The way I look at it, it’s just a new reality TV series, Presidential Apprentice. And in the season finale, I send Hilary Clinton to her own kitchen without her shoes and tell myself, “Donald, you’re hired!”

The Next President of the USA

Say It Ain’t Southern California

But At Least It Wouldn’t Be Ben Carson

-BC Pires is the printer’s devil. Email your complaints about ISIS being somehow different from Opus Dei to him via your prayers.

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