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The Book of Kenrick Part XXI

Published: 
Friday, October 9, 2015

In 2011, God the Uncle—my imaginary Uncle Godfrey—called me to sum up the Bible in the voice of Kenrick, the kind of tess who wears a UNC jersey when he parks in Keith Rowley’s space at Balisier House, and is annoyed when he gets back to the car and nobody wash it yet. 

The best part of doing (Uncle) God’s work is that I don’t have to think about the thievery we called the five Budgets before this one (pending our future discovery of the thievery in this one) or the gallerying that will pass for its debate.

Last day, Joseph’s brother, Judah, had got his own daughter-in-law, Temar, pregnant and a conniving midwife tied a red string to one of Temar’s twin babies’ hands when it thrust said wrist right out of Temar’s vulva before returning to the womb and letting its brother be born first; and, if that first unborn newborn baby wandering back up the birth canal is not a firetrucking miracle, you’ve got to admit it’s at least fairly unlikely.

The Twenty-First Bit of the First Book of BC, called Daydreaming

The Book of Which Numbers to Play, called What You Dream Last Night?

(A Summation of Genesis Chapters 39-41)

And Joseph reach in Egypt, whereby a tess name Potiphar buy him from the Ishmeelites, the early political party financiers, who did buy him from he brothers, Judah and them. And the LORD bless Potiphar house becaw the LORD was really blessing Joseph (don’t mind was the LORD-SELF did sell him out) and Joseph make real donzai for Potiphar. 

And Potiphar’ wife real like Joseph and real wanted to give him piece, but Joseph say, nah, me ent doing Potiphar that! And, like that make Potiphar wife even more hot, she only trying to jostle Joseph and force-feed him the thing. But Joseph steady ducking until one day she catch him by his garment and he had was to run out and left the garment in she hand.

And must be the garment was Joseph’ jockey shorts becaw, when Potiphar reach home and see the garment, Potiphar say, “Nah, no Jew-boy ent pelting waist on my ‘ooman!”

And he lock Joseph to firetruck up in the king’ prison.

But the LORD bless Joseph again by making the warder like him, and anything Joseph put he hand to in the prison—making licence plate, re-caning old wicker chair, washing the prison officer and them car—the LORD make it to prosper.

And, wh’appen, Pharaoh, which was the king of Egypt, did get vex with his butler and his baker, and throw they tail in Joseph’ jail. And the butler and the baker dream a dream, and them get real bitter, becaw them didn’t know which mark to play in the prison whe-whe.

But Joseph coulda read dream spin. And the butler tell Joseph he dream a vine with three branch that burst into instant grapes and the butler make instant wine for Pharaoh. And Joseph tell the butler the three branch was three days and, within that time, Pharaoh going and forgive him and pull him out the jail. And Joseph tell the butler, when Pharaoh release you, remember your pardner back in the jail and give Y’Boy a bligh.

And then the baker tell Joseph he dream three basket on he head, with cobo eating bread off he head. And Joseph tell him, “Well, is three days for you, too, but is your last three days of all time, becaw, this time Monday, Pharaoh going and hang your a-- in a tree for cobo buffet.” And, so said, so done, Pharaoh hang the baker and parole the butler. But the butler forget Joseph like how People’s Partnership forget Congress of the People: as soon as he get through and 

totally.

And two whole years pass before Pharaoh he-self dream he standing by a river and seven fat cow come out the river, with seven skinny cow on they cowheels. And the skinny cow and them eat up the fat cow and them. And then Pharaoh dream again that seven nice fat ears of corn grow on one stalk, but then seven rotten mildew ears of corn come and eat the seven nice ones.

And Pharaoh wake up in a simi-dimi and axe all he adviser-them to interpret the dreams but nobody couldn’ta make, and then the butler did start to feel a how, becaw is only that morning-self he remember he did promise Joseph to pull he out the jail. And he tell Pharaoh it had a Jew-boy in the jail whereby he could real read dream, and Pharaoh send for Joseph and axe him which mark to play.

And Joseph tell Pharaoh, it ent me, is God does read the dream, and I is only call it as God see it, but it look like you going and have seven good years follow by seven bad years, just like how the world economy does move, slack een and slack out, except George Bush ent dream the Great Recession.

So Pharaoh save up in the seven good years and, when the seven bad one bust, Pharaoh make a pile of money! And Pharaoh change Joseph name to Zaphnathpaaneah and give him a gyul called Asenath to wife, and Joseph wife she, but she didn’t bare him seven good child and seven bad child, just two, one name Ephraim and one name Manasseh, and we go have to wait for the next rounds to see what the man-a-say-uh.

BC Pires is waiting, with only nine more verses left in Genesis, to see if the red string will tie all these loose Bible ends 

together for a good season finale.

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