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The Scarlet Pimp: The Book of Kenrick Part XX
God the Uncle—my imaginary Uncle Godfrey—in 2011 called me to sum up the Bible in the voice of Kenrick, the kind of Trini tess who fasts rigidly for Ramadan and then celebrates Eid with a bottle of Single Barrel Reserve and barbecued pork ribs.
The best part of doing (Uncle) God’s work for me is that, for a little while, I don’t have to ponder our sociopolitical tinderbox, where all our so-called exemplars strut around pompously lighting their own matches.
Last day, Isaac, Jacob/Israel’s father, had given up the ghost after Reuben, his first son, had defiled his father’s concubine, a plot line that sounds less like the Word of God and more like an early reality TV show: Real Concubines of the Middle East.
The Twentieth Bit of the First Book of BC, called Whore, Baby!
The Book of Mounting Lion, called Red String
(A Summation of Genesis Chapters 37-38)
So Jacob stop in Canaan, a part of Tobago, even though his father was a stranger there, and a dead stranger, too besides. Jacob favourite child, the son of his old age, Joseph, bring him a evil report of his brothers, so Jacob rest a coat of many colours on Joseph, with two pants of many colours, and a belt of many colours, and the brethren jealous Joseph becaw nothing does rile up a Semite like a cousin getting a bolt of gabardine, and they start to hate Joseph like how a Hindu fundamentalist does hate a Pentecostal.
And then Joseph tell his brethren ’bout two dream, one whereby he and his brothers was binding sheaves and his sheave stand up, but his brothers’ one went limp, and a next one whereby the planets make obeisance to him, and that make Joseph’ brothers want to work obeah on him; and take ’way his Viagra.
The brothers make plan to pass out Joseph like a Trinidad state prosecutor or murder witness, to slay him and cast him in a pit, like how they does throw corpse in latrine in Morvant, and let we see how much dream he go dream in there!
But Reuben, the concubine-troubler, say, let we not shed no blood, let we just cast him in a pit in the bush.
And is so they pelt him but some Ishmeelites, which was some early political party financiers, was passing carrying myrrh and thing (and THAT is where the whole myrrh thing start in the Bible), and the brethren Judah, who name even sound like “Judas,” get the zeppo to sell Joseph, and they get 20 piece of silver for him, which was a good price, when you understand Judas only get 40 for Jesus a whole New Testament-worth of inflation later.
And they take Joseph coat of many colours and kill a goat and throw some blood of one colour on it, and show it to they father, Jacob, and tell him Joseph must be did get eat by some wild animal, which musta be a rabid camel, becaw it only have lions in the Bible Middle East, not the real Middle East—Daniel musta really be in a sheep den, not a lion one. And Joseph believe he son Joseph must be did get eat by a vicious goat in truth, and he weep and mourn and could not be comforted, like a Trini politician who can’t bear to lose he ministerial salary and car allowance, and wouldn’t resign even if they show video of him rolling spliff in a hotel room in the Hyatt.
So Joseph in he bareback of many colours stop in Egypt and Judah, who did sell him out, went and check a Canaan village gyul named Shuah, and he breed she, and them call the boy Er, must be was short for “Errol” or, more likely, “Error,” and then a next one named Onan, and a next boy called Shelah (who predate Johnny Cash boy named Sue).
And Judah firstborn was wicked in the sight of the LORD, so the Lord slew him. And Judah tell Onan, go and breed your dead brother’ wife and Onan tell heself he would rather coast a quick jiretrock, and the LORD get vex and slay him, too—the Old Testament LORD was real on edge, nuh.
And Judah tell he daughter-in-law, Temar, to remain a widow in his house and he would give her Shelah, his son; but then Shuah, Judah’s wife, dead, and he ride out and Temar pose as a club gyul, with mask on, and Judah find she looking good, so he make fares with her.
And she axe for a pledge, and he give she his signet, bracelets and staff.
And then she disappear and went back in his house, as widow; and when the servants tell Judah that Temar belly swell, he well puff up he chest and went to manners her, but she show him the signet and bracelets and he had was to boil down like bhaji, becaw she was more righteous than a old whoremonger like him who breed she.
And Temar make two baby, twins, and one of them put out he hand while she was in labour—like the Bible have a sci-fi view of childbirth—and the midwife tie a red string on it and say this one born first, although neither did born yet.
And the first one born was Pharez, but Zarah come out with the scarlet thread and anybody who could read spin as well as Bible realise one-time that this red string just bound to lead to trouble.
BC Pires is going to Hell in a hand-basket, express lane, ten mortal sins or less, for stealing the coat with two pants joke from Woody Allen.
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