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Obergefell v Lobster

Published: 
Friday, July 3, 2015

By a miracle I cannot understand but accept humbly, God appeared to me shortly before deadline and, using an algorithm even more complex than the one the Winklevoss twins devised for FaceBook, delivered His response to the US Supreme Court’s ruling in Obergefell v Hodges legalising gay marriage.

Don’t be shocked: that’s how God rolls, as any good Trinidadian pastor could tell you, in a bad American accent: the amanuensis is standard operating procedure for God: why, He dictated the entire Bible in ancient Middle Eastern languages that have not been actually spoken by anyone for centuries (apart from a few scenes in horror movies like the Exorcist and Fallen) but He has solved the problem of misquoting Himself by personally supervising every translation, just like Steve Jobs might have approved every new generation of iPod. God’s freakish personal power controls every atom on the planet, every blade of grass, every beat of every butterfly wing is caused by Him: that cockroach you squashed in the kitchen last night was one small part in God’s immense, eternal plan, and you were its Judas Iscariot.

Just as I, today, am the typist of God.

God could, if He chose to, enlighten all humanity simultaneously into His glorious understanding of the meaning of life, the universe and everything, including Douglas Adams; but, for some reason we cannot hope to understand, being mere mortals etc, He always chooses bizarrely obsolete methods to reveal His word, like, say, two great slabs of stone He directs an old Jewish guy to chisel on a mountain.

And this week he chose me – I suddenly understand why, all those years ago, I was inspired to name this column, “Thank God It’s Friday!” — to promulgate His response to the ruling. Now, truth be told — perhaps that should be, “Verily I say unto you” — maybe I should stay in character for this entire gig — I was the last person I thought God would have selected.

I know He’s a fairly loose cannon, given to sacrificing His own son to Himself because He would not otherwise be able to persuade Himself to save His own other, minor creations from His own fiery rage and damnation and so on, and He flings blessings or pestilence on His chosen people according to His whim or bipolarity, not their behaviour, and, yes, we know He chooses hopelessly ill-fitting prophets like, say, an illiterate who would, today, be jailed for paedophilia, or another who would do prison time for fraud, or any number who owned slaves and concubines, but I was still surprised: I mean, He could have chosen Kevin yesterday or Raymond, the day before, right here in this space, and got His word out a day or two earlier, and still kept his terrible prophet choice props.

There is no God but God, then, and I am the most recent of His prophets/messenger boys. Glory be to Him; and all the typos be my fault, just like in any self-deprecating introduction to any meaningful work.

And here is God’s reaction to the US Supreme Court’s ruling. It’s a bit flowery but you have to remember God is omnipotent and omniscient and, when you have that kind of power and influence, you tend not to notice if you refer to yourself in the third person, c.f., Kanye West. Also, He wants you to understand its His word, not some false god’s, so He uses His signature Biblical style, just like how filmmakers show something happened in the past by shooting those scenes on grainier film. God never says, “Can you get me a mochachino grande from Rituals?” He says, rather, “And the LORD spake unto Moses out of the tabernacle and commanded him to slay his son as a burnt offering”.

So.

And the LORD spake unto BC on page XXXX, saying, “Speak unto the children of Israel and also of the US and let the story be picked up by the BBC and, if necessary, go on Craig Ferguson, but not Jimmy Fallon”, because the LORD is not so desperate to spread His message and that guy just ain’t funny, even if his house band is the Roots.

And the LORD said, “Speak unto the judges of the US Supreme Court and say unto them that they got it firetrucking wrong!” For the LORD is a reforming LORD, and, over time, the LORD gets marginally less sociopathic, and accepts the sacrifice of a white lamb instead of a human virgin in white, or a foreskin instead of a whole firstborn son.

And the LORD said, “Say unto them that it was My plan — and it’s a firetrucking perfect one, mofo! — to lighten up the whole Leviticus thing in 2015 BUT I PLANNED TO START WITH THE SHRIMP, FOOLS!”

And the LORD said, “Instead of gay marriage, you should have legalised eating shellfish. For the LORD hath banned shellfish seven times but bulling only twice in the Old Testatment. Also, you could tell the Muslims for me, I mean, the LORD, that they can eat pig, because we have refrigeration now. Of course gays can marry! The LORD made marriage! And the LORD made lesbians to be happy — why you think we call them gay? But the LORD was saving His revelation of legal gay marriage for Christmas, so there could be something more interesting on TV than It’s a Wonderful Life”. And it’s a lucky thing the LORD told Himself to turn the other cheek. Forget Old Testatment bigotry and love one another as you would yourself.

Amen. Piece be unto me.

BC Pires is doing his father’s work with as much love in his heart as there might be trepidation in his sphincter when passing churches

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