You are here

The Book of Kenrick Part XIX

Friday, June 12, 2015

My Uncle Godfrey—God the Uncle—in 2011 called me to sum up the Bible in the voice of Kenrick, the kind of tess who goes from a secondary schoolteacher gig in Central to a top-ranking global sports position—but doesn’t get accused of any firetruckery. 

Uncle God has asked me to ignore the distractions of Trinidad today and focus on (Uncle) God’s work, since even Uncle God is fed up of Uncle Jack. 

I chose the King James Bible as the most widely-accepted version of the Word of God (even if it was actually agreed upon by British civil servants working for a probably homosexual monarch 1611 years after God first troubled Himself to speak).

These Kenrick columns are not an aspersion on the Bible but a celebration of our own voice, as any sinner worth his salt prunes would see. 

Last day, Jacob had wrestled with God, who touched him on his inner thigh, at a place called Peniel—yes, Peniel, yes, inner thigh-touching, yes, by God; it’s not me, it’s the Bible, I swear.

The Nineteenth Bit of the First Book of BC, called Kenrick

The Book of Forcing Foreskin, called Ouch!

(A Summation of Genesis Chapters 34-36)

And, wh’appen, Dinah, the daughter of Leah, which was Jacob first wife, went in the bush and a tess named Shechem, son of Hamor the Hivite, hold she down and defile she, but then he tell heself he did love the girl, so he axe he father if he could marrid Dinah.

Jacob wasn’t happy to hear he daughter get defile but he tell heself he go wait until he sons reach back een from the field and them. 

And Hamor must come and tell Jacob that the soul of his son did want Dinah as much as the next part what defile her, and Hamor beg Jacob to set up a wife-exchange programme with his family, so everybody will end up cousin, like Trinidad Syrians. 

But Jacob sons and them skulls Hamor and tell him how them just couldn’t accept they sister friending or ex-specially wife-ing with a tess who wasn’t circumcised, and they pretend they would hand over Dinah soul, and the next part, if all Hamor men and them circumcise theyself.

And Shechem and Hamor fall for that.

And they went back home and persuade all the men in they city to cut ’way they foreskin, manos-manos.

And, two days later, when all the Hivite men only lying down holding they thing and bawling like a Fifa big shot in a Zurich hotel, Jacob sons, Simeon and Levi, waltz through the whole town and slew all the foreskin-less men. 

Two men kill a whole city and, eef that sounding suspicious, take it up with God or King James, not the I, becaw is what the Bible say. 

And Jacob start to bawl how them boys will cause strife in the village now, becaw all them other Canaanite and Perizzite was plenty more nigga than Jacob section. And Simeon and Levi say: “You mean we shoulda let him turn we sister a scabbical easy so?”

And God tell Jacob to arise and bus’ it for Bethel, and make a next altar when he reach. And also to take ’way all them false god from he family. 

So Jacob take all he people idol, and even they earring, and all man Jacob run to Luz, which was Bethel. 

And God protect them by pelting His terror on the Canaan cities them was running from, so nobody could chase them, but why God didn’t just protect them and let them stay right there in Canaan, God alone knows. 

And, dry so, Deborah, Rebekah’s nurse, did dead, and they bury she under a oak.

And then God bless Jacob again—like He did forget He did bless him already—and then God tell Jacob he new name was Israel—like He did forget He had already do that in a earlier chapter—and Jacob must be fruitful and multiply, and the usual Old Testament old talk ’bout how Jacob seed go be nations, and kings will come out he loins and clowns will come out he Volkswagen. 

And the Middle Eastern God, like all Middle Eastern men, was only steady studying land, becaw God promise (ah-gain!) that all the land was for Jacob—and is so unto today it have land quarrel in Israel, becaw must be the Palestinian God did give them land, too.

And then Rachel went into hard labour, but not the kind that our own Jack might end up doing Stateside, but child-bearing labour, and it well kill she in truth: she dead as she son, Benjamin, did born. 

And, it really don’t have a connection, but the next thing that happen in the Bible is Reuben, Jacob firstborn son, went and put the shoes on Bilhah, he own father concubine, which sound more modern American trailer park than ancient Hebrew village but say what.

And Jacob’ father, Isaac, gave up the ghost and died, and you can’t blame the fella, even if we can’t be sure it had anything to do with Reuben defiling Bilhah. And Jacob and he’ brother, Esau, bury him.

And then the whole of chapter 36 of Genesis is begat and begat, one long list of names, like a early Israeli telephone directory. Without telephone.

BC Pires is grateful to Uncle God not to have to think about Uncle Jack or Auntie Kamla or anyone thinking they stand in loco parentis to Trinidad when they really only stand loco in Trinidad.


User comments posted on this website are the sole views and opinions of the comment writer and are not representative of Guardian Media Limited or its staff.

Guardian Media Limited accepts no liability and will not be held accountable for user comments.

Guardian Media Limited reserves the right to remove, to edit or to censor any comments.

Any content which is considered unsuitable, unlawful or offensive, includes personal details, advertises or promotes products, services or websites or repeats previous comments will be removed.

Before posting, please refer to the Community Standards, Terms and conditions and Privacy Policy

User profiles registered through fake social media accounts may be deleted without notice.