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Letters be, Letters BC

Published: 
Thursday, April 16, 2015
THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY

Between the Cabinet-sanctioned wild rape gossip in Parliament and the chairs for state utility company chairpersons that cost more than many people’s cars, the letters pages of the dailies have been overflowing. Citizens have, therefore, sent their letters to me, knowing I will publish them as a public amusement service, particularly if you bear in mind that I made them all up myself.

Sir,

Let me tell you a story that was given to me by the Cabinet, excluding the Prime Minister, who is “first amongst equals” in all things except them cheap, low political skullduggery what could backfire. A young girl went to carry lunch for her father and Keith sold her drugs, and injected her with rat poison and cut off her head and put it in a latrine. It is a true lie. You could vote for a man like that?

Virgin Ella Topping-All-Lies

Safe in Parliament

Still Collecting Ministerial Salary

Sir,

Let me apologise for my previous letter. I am very sorry that irresponsible journalists miscast what I said accurately. When I said Keith was a drug dealer and poisoner and be-header and put-head-in-latriner, I only wanted to draw national attention to the fact that drug dealing and rat poisoning and beheading people and putting they head in the latrine is a very serious issue. Also, I want to remind all you that Keith not just black, but dark black. That part is a real true story.

Verging-on-Hysterical Topping-My-Own-Lies

Don’t Give a Firetruck

Once I Drawing My Big Pay

Sir,

People have accused the Government of abdicating its responsibility to defeat crime. I would like to point out that the entire Parliament, except for three independent senators, voted for the Bail (Amendment) Bill 2015, which allows detention of citizens for 120 days on the charge room say-so of the lowest level, most ignorant, least-educated police constable. So, when your son is summarily tossed and lost in Port-of-Spain Gaol for three months for nothing, please remember it was Parliament, not the government, that did it.

Wade Mark

Speaker of the UNC

Run the Rape Talk There, Vernella

Sir,

Trini like to say that the government dotish/Old people say be careful of what you wish/Parliament throw ’way the key and keep Remand Yard padlocked/Police have the whole country in gridlock roadblock/They say a country does get the government it deserve/Well, what the firetruck we do to get this one? I’m still working on that last line.

The Mighty Opportunist

Still in the Rumshop

But Rehearsing to Go on America Have Talent

Sir,

We consider ourselves to have been maligned by your columnist, BC Pires, who accused us of abusing our power when we set up roadblocks to make life hell for motorists. We are merely doing total policing. And tell that short mofo he better not drive a car anywhere.

The T&T Police Service Welfare Association (Second Division)

To Protect & Serve

Our Own Interests

 

Sir,

Consider that the NAR replaced the George Chambers PNM. Then observe that the Patrick Manning PNM replaced the NAR. Then the Basdeo Panday UNC replaced them, only to be replaced by the Wannabe Executive President Patrick Manning PNM, which then lost to the Kamla UNC. The only thing you can safely bet on in T&T politics is that, no matter how bad a sitting government gets, the government that replaces it is shockingly worse.

BC Pires

Serious Joke

Seeing It Clearly and Early and Firetrucking Depressed

Sir

So what if a no confidence motion against the Leader of the Opposition was an abuse of the constitution and a cynical waste of Parliamentary time? We don’t care about any issue affecting the population, from crime through illegal police action to the price of doubles. We have one firetrucking idea and we going to beat it like a Good Friday bobolee: Keith Rowley black and we is a neo-slave society and all o’ we hates blackness, especially fair-skin Indian; and dark-skin African.

UNC General Election Strategists

Punching & Punching

And Almost Out of the Paper Bag

Sir,

All of all you shocked to see that video of us shooting and robbing that Chinee fella, and all of all you only running your mouth about how horrible it look. Is like all you forget how old and how strong the connection is between poverty in Trinidad and cinema in America. Destination Tokyo give Carib Tokyo it name and Western give we our attitude. When we see we-selves on video like that, we doesn’t feel bad: we is the star boys.

Trinidad Criminals

Poverty is Hell

Ex-caping with a Purpose and a Glock

Sir,

People who say we dropped Dwayne Bravo for showing more leadership in India than any of us don’t understand how we see leadership: a real West Indian leader doesn’t stand up for him people: him wait for him warrior to stumble, then him kick his warrior while the warrior down, and laugh at him from him first-class plane seat. Now THAT is leadership! It certainly gets a man re-elected.

Dave Only-Come-Around-to-Kick-Chris Gayle

Master Blaster of the Retweet

West Indies Cricket Bored

Sir,

It’s all a joke I thought up to distract myself: the universes, the solar systems, the multi-verses, the world-in-a-drop-of-water, the whole firetrucking shebang. It’s meaningless and pointless and I would probably stop it all if I could be arksed. So don’t listen to the pastors, priests, pundits and imams. Certainly don’t give up bacon, one of my few good ideas.

God

Not the After- but the Still Life

Eternally & Immensely Bored

Sir,

Ent I have to sit down to do my job? And ent I have to get a massage because the work very stressful? Well, I saving time, because the chair have thing to massage you in it. Too besides, wasn’t me buy the chair, was John Sum Ting or somebody, I does just sit in it. If it had chair that does give you an enema while you work, that would be even more efficiency, ent it? Ent it I is chairperson? Well, all I do is get a chair!

Sushilla Ramkiss-My-Well-Massaged-Back

Sideways Talk

Ducking Responsibility

Sir,

When in doubt, blame it on a Chinee.

Trini Wise Men

Skullduggery

With lap cheong

BC Pires has blessed the building.

 

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