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Payoff, not payback

Friday, April 3, 2015

The Book of Kenrick Part XVIII

My Uncle Godfrey—God the Uncle—in 2011 called me to sum up the Bible in the voice of Kenrick, the kind of tess who storms the party but unfailingly ends up sitting at the host’s right hand at the head table. Uncle God has asked me to speed up these instalments, because he gave me the idea and couldn’t bear the irony if I were not to finish Genesis.

I chose the King James as the most widely accepted version of the Word of God (even if it was actually agreed upon by British civil servants working for a probably homosexual monarch 1611 years after God first troubled Himself to speak).

These Kenrick columns are not an aspersion on the Bible but a celebration of our own voice, as any sinner worth his redemption in Purgatory ought to discern. Last day, Jacob had left his Uncle Laban the Syrian with two of Laban’s daughters as his wives, plus two skettel handmaidens, who had produced two each of Jacob’s 11 sons.

The Eighteenth Bit of the First Book of BC, called Kenrick
The Book of Brotherly Reconciliation, called Payoff
(A Summation of Genesis Chapters 32 & 33)

And Jacob send messenger ahead to carry story for he brother, Esau, which was head of the family, becaw he did outsmart Jacob twice, first taking Jacob birthright for a mess of porridge and, second, getting they father, Isaac, blessing through a hairy goat hide. And Jacob tell he servants to tell Esau that he have real ox and ass and flock and thing, and manservant and woman-servant, too besides, and is so Jacob hoping to grease his way into grace in Esau sight.

And the messengers come back and tell Jacob Esau coming for him with 400 men. And Jacob friten to the point of jijjiery. And he divide all them ox and ass he did wrangle out of Uncle Father-in-Law Laban into two bands, and send one in front the other, should in case Esau smite the first one, Jacob would still have the second one leave back, like how man travelling in bad area does put all they five and ten dullers-bills in they pocket and they blue notes in they socks, should in case the maxi get bandit.

And Jacob pray to the God of his fathers Abraham and Isaac, though he did probably mean he grandfather, Abraham. (That is a next Bible mistake we has to presume God-self endorse, via King James.) And he beg God to be delivered from his brother, and he remind the servant and them to tell Esau it have plenty more cattles coming behind, and peradventure Esau mightn’t skulls him out of the backup herds.

And Jacob send his two wife, and his two hand-job-maidens, and his 11 sons over the ford Jabbok, which sound like a alien-character from Star Wars, but was really a river, and Jacob stop there by he one. And was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. And when the man see he can’t wrestle Jacob, he touch the hollow of Jacob thigh, which sound like perhaps God wasn’t so anti-homo after all, becaw Jacob and the man wrestle and touch hollow of thigh and thing whole night on to day break. 

And Jacob tell the man he going and hold on to him until the man bless him. (Jacob, like he did still feeling a how from when Esau take Isaac blessing from him, nuh.) And the man say that, from now on, Jacob name is not Jacob but Israel, becaw he was a prince and had power with God and with men, and hast prevailed. And Jacob/Israel say, “What’s your name, pardner?”

And the man say, “Wherefore the firetruck you think you is, to axe my name?” And Jacob realise was well God that was feeling him up while they was there wrestling; and he call the place Peniel, for he had seen God face-to-face, and you have to axe yourself what “Peniel” sound like, and if God really anti-battyman in truth.

And that is why the children of Israel doesn’t eat sinew that shrank, upon the hollow of the thigh, unto this day: becaw he, God, touch Israel there. (But that don’t mean they does eat the rest; is only Catholic does get into holy cannibalism, and not Jacob/Israel body and blood, but Jesus one, but that is a next Bible/Anansi story.)

And Esau reach with 400 men and Jacob bow himself to the ground seven times before he reach he brother, but Esau run up and bus’ a big hug on him, and kiss he neck and thing, and axe Jacob/Israel why he sending all them ox and cow. And Jacob say, “That is yours becaw you is the boss-man!”

And Esau say, “Nah, man, I thief enough from you already, keep your thing.” But Jacob know from long experience how them bosses does move, and he insist and insist until Esau pretend to relent and accept the cow and them, which the both of them did know from the start Esau was going and take anyway.

And Esau ride out and Jacob journey to Suck Salt, no, wait, Succoth, and build a house and a cow-pen and a altar, in that order, which show that people does think of God when they wants protection but, when they gone clear, does buy iPhone 6 for $5K before they give $100 in collection. And he call the altar Elelohe-Israel. Becaw he come like a next Adam or the first copywriter and just love to name thing.

n BC Pires is the world’s first agnostic Bible summa cum laude summer-upper


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