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The Book of Kenrick Part XVII
Published: 
Friday, March 6, 2015
THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY

In 2011, I was called by my Uncle Godfrey—God the Uncle—to sum up the Bible in the voice of Kenrick, the kind of tess who derides religion as superstitious bunk but fasts for Ramadan and stops drinking for Lent “for the discipline.” I chose the King James as the most widely accepted version of the Word of God (even if it was actually agreed upon by British civil servants working for a probably homosexual monarch 1611 years after God first troubled Himself to speak.)

These Kenrick columns are not an aspersion on the Bible but a celebration of our own voice, as any sinner worth his pillar of salt ought readily to discern. Last day, Jacob fell asleep on a stone and dreamt of a ladder to the heavens that Adrian Lyne later made into a spookily atmospheric film starring Tim Robbins and Danny Aiello.

The Seventeenth Bit of the First Book of BC, called Kenrick
The Book of Sibling Rivalry, called Cousins Make Dozens
(A Summation of Genesis Chapters, 29, 30 & 31)

So Jacob reach near by Haran and see some shepherd watering flocks of sheep, which did know he Uncle Laban the Syrian. Same time, who come walking there with some sheep but Rachel, he cousin, Uncle Laban girl child, the pretty little one, eh, not the big horse, Leah. And Jacob did like Rachel one-time and he pelt a kiss on she, and she run and tell she father. And Jacob well move een by he uncle for a month.

And Uncle Laban axe Jacob how he want to get fix up. And Jacob say he would do a seven years serving Laban to get Rachel hand in marriage, and some other parts in honeymoon. And Laban say, “Well, plenty man want she, but is best we keep it in the family in truth.” And them seven years’ hard work did pass real fast, is so Jacob did love the gyul.

But hear thing: when wedding night finally reach and Jacob at last put down some matrimonial wuk, when he wake up next morning, who there in he bed but Leah, the big horse. “Whamdey?” he bawl out to he father-in-law Uncle Laban. “Is so we does move,” Laban say, “you have to take the big one before the little one, like how, long time, you couldn’ta buy a Guardian if you didn’t buy a Express. You go have to make a next seven years with me to get through with Rachel now.”

And so Jacob stop seven more years and get Rachel, but like the Lord did want to make Leah, the big horse, feel little bit better ’bout not getting Jacob true-true first pick, becaw Leah only popping out children like peas, a boy named Reuben, a next one named Simeon, a next one she named after some jeans, Levi, then the last one, Judah—and up to now poor, pretty, barren Rachel can’t miss she period!

And Rachel tell Jacob he best had show some moves like Mick Jagger and put a baby in she or she go dead. And Jacob say, “Buhwha’mudder? You think I is God to withhold from thee the fruit of thy womb? Or something?” And Rachel say, well, go in unto my handmaid, Bilhah, and she shall bear upon my knees, and we go say is mines.” And so Jacob breed Bilhah and she make a boy. And Rachel say, “That is God give me that child and I will call he, ‘“Dan’.”

And Bilhah had a next boy, which Rachel most pretend was she next own child, and call that one Naphtali. And Rachel did well figure she pass out she sister, but the big horse was the real horse: Leah send she own handmaid, Zilpah, for Jacob to wife, and Zilpah make a boy name Gad, then a next boy, which she call his name Asher. And so the two sisters, who was also now sisters-in-law, only racing they womb against one another for a first prize named Jacob.

And Uncle Father-in-Law Laban axe Jacob what he want for all he service, which most of the service look like it was stud service. And Jacob say, “I go pick out the spotted and speckled goat and sheep and camel and them and you go keep the pure white one.” And Laban say cool. And Jacob start the first genetic manipulation in the Bible to make he one stronger than Laban one, and he well end up with plenty stocks.

And Uncle Father-in-Law get blue vexed and he sons only bawling how Cousin Jacob snatch up all the good goat, sheep and camel. But Jacob stand he ground and handle he stories and tell Uncle Laban, “Wham’dey, ent it you take me for seven years for a wife mankind didn’t even self want? And then a next seven years for one who couldn’t make baby?

I had was to balance the books with spotted and speckled and ringstraked cattles!” And Uncle Father-in-Law chase Jacob quite to the mount of Gilead and say, “Look, give me back mih blasted daughters and cattles!” And Jacob say, “Catch you falling self, all these is mines now.”

And the two o’ them pile up some rock and call it altar, but Laban, like he did ’fraid Jacob woulda stone he with the altar, he humble heself and kiss he daughter and ringstraked cattles goodbye and ride out. And is so Jacob end up with two sister for wife and some speckled goat.

BC Pires is a ringstraked speckled spotted blashphemer. E-mail your plagues to him at [email protected]

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