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The Book of Kenrick Part XVI

Published: 
Friday, December 12, 2014

In 2011, I was called by my Uncle Godfrey—God the Uncle—to sum up the Bible in the voice of Kenrick, the kind of tess who, whole year, derides cooking as “a woman thing” but, at Christmastime, makes the best pastelles you’ve ever tasted. I chose the King James Version as the most widely accepted Word of God (even if it was actually agreed upon by British civil servants working for a probably homosexual monarch 1611 years after God first spoke).

These Kenrick columns are not intended as an aspersion on the Bible, but as a celebration of our own voice. Last day, Issac Abrahamovich—to throw a modern Roman spanner in the Old Testament works—had made his father, Abraham’s, wells flow again and Esau, his son, had taken for wife Judith, daughter of Beeri the Hittite, which, in ancient Hebrew social terms, was like a UNC Cabinet minister friending with a PNM local government council backbencher.

The Sixteenth Bit of the First Book of BC, called Kenrick;
The Book of Seasonings, called Curry Favour;
(A Summation of Genesis Chapters 27 & 28).

And, wh’appen, Isaac get old and he eye and them get dim like the chances of a murderer getting arrest in Dana Seethal case, and he know he going and dead faster than Sat Maharaj does get outraged over anything he find make Hindu look bad, so he call Esau, he hunter son, and axe him to shoot a lappe and savoury it how he like it for him, for a last meal.

But Rebekah make a plan to set up she own favourite, and she curry two goat and tell Jacob, the ganja planter son, to take it for the dying Isaac, to get he blessing. (In Biblical days, Syrian people didn’t fight over they father’ money, they did fight over he blessing.) But Jacob say, “Buwhamudder, Esau is a hairy man and I’s a smooth man, you feel me?

And Daddy bound to feel me and pelt a cuss, not a blessing on the Smooth-I.” But Jacob bring the goats and, when she done skin them, Rebekah put the goat hide on Jacob arms and tie the tail round he neck. And Jacob carry in the curry goat and say, “Daddy, watch yuh lunch! You best give me yuh blessing for that.” And Isaac say, “But how you hunt lappe and kill it and gut it and cook it so fast?” 

And, is so skullduggery come natural to him, Jacob say, “Is the Lord put a hand.” And Isaac say, “You sure you is Esau? You sounding like Jacob.” And Jacob went and rub the goatskin on he father and Isaac so old and chupid, you know he take a dead goat fur for he living elder son? And he most give Jacob the blessing that was supposed to go to Esau, and is Jacob he tell, not Esau, that nations would ‘fraid him and his mother’s sons would bow down to him and thing.

And when Esau reach with the stew lappe and axe for Isaac blessing, Isaac say, “But ent it I just give it to yuh!” And Esau realise what go on, and he well start to cuss, becaw Jacob did already give him weed to smoke and then trick him into selling out he birthright for a mess of porridge. And he beg Isaac to bless he, too, but like it only had one blessing, so Esau had to take a side and catch he hairy ass, becaw Jacob did done get the blessing and the family boss-man work.

And Esau say, “Nah, me ent taking that! Not twice! Not the mess of porridge and the firetrucking blessing!” And he say, in he heart, he going and pass out Jacob after Isaac dead. But Rebekah overhear Esau talking to he heart and call Jacob and send him by he Uncle Haran in the country, which part was name Laban, until Esau boil down, becaw she know Esau memory was short like how the hair on he arms was long, and he bound to forget to slay Jacob when he done tarry with Uncle Haran.

And Rebekah tell Isaac she was weary of her life becaw of them daughters of Heth, which wasn’t Berri the Hittite wife, but a next set of scabbical, and if Jacob only take one of them to wife, she might as well dead.

So Isaac call Jacob and tell him he mustn’t friend with no daughters of Canaan and he send him to marry a daughter of Laban—is like Alzheimer’s did set in fast, becaw Isaac mixing up the neighbourhood name with the uncle one, come like a old white Trinidadian man telling he son, “Go by yuh Uncle Cascade and marry one of them Pantin gyul.”

So Jacob run to Padanaram looking for wife and Esau check Ishmael and take Mahalath to be his wife. And Jacob was on his way to Haran, which coulda be a uncle or a area, when night fall sudden, bradap! And he make a pillow out of stones, is so he head hard, and fall to sleep and dream a ladder come out of the stone and rise up all the way to heaven-self, and is one setta angel only climbing up and down Jacob ladder, same way Trinidad politicians does be all over the national patrimony like ants on a pallet stick.

And, is like them old Jew believe in they dream like modern Trini in Play Whe, becaw Jacob wake up jijjery, frighten of the Lord, and throw oil on he pillow-stone and call it a altar and promise the Lord the stone would be a pillar in God house and, anything God give him, he will give God back a tenth, like a Trini Cabinet Minister awarding state contracts.

• BC Pires is using his stone for an altar, praise God. E-mail your ten per cents to him at [email protected].

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