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Well done The Book of Kenrick Part XV

Published: 
Friday, November 7, 2014

In 2011, I was called by my Uncle Godfrey—God the Uncle—to sum up the Bible in the voice of Kenrick, the kind of tess who never played anything more than wind-ball cricket but could—seriously—analyse and resolve the West Indies crisis faster, and with much less pomposity, than the WI Cricket Board. I chose the King James Version as the most widely accepted Word of God (even if it was actually agreed upon by British civil servants working for a probably homosexual monarch 1611 years after God first spoke). These Kenrick columns are NOT an aspersion on the Bible, but a celebration of our own voice. Last day, in a development we associate more with the modern American South than the Biblical Middle East, Isaac, married his cousin, Rebekah, whose twins, Jacob and Esau, looked likely to start feuding over a mess of pottage, thereby keeping that trailer-park edge to the story.

The Fifteenth Bit of the First Book of BC,  called Kenrick The Book of Sequels, called Rerun (A Summation of Genesis Chapter 26)

And it had famine in the land, a next one, more bigger than the first one whey Abraham had deal with, and Isaac went unto Abimelech, king of the Philistines, and the Lord, who really come like a Almighty real estate agent, appeared unto Isaac and tell him he had was to blank Egypt and go in a next parcel of land the Lord would fix him up with, and the Lord throw in all the standard form clause about mod cons and how Isaac seed go be the nations of the earth and thing. And is so Isaac reach in Gerar.

And all them village ram in Gerar only axing Isaac who this hot little thing Rebekah was, becaw like the in-breeding did work to she advantage, maybe she forehead get high instead of she jaw get broad, or the bum-bum get little round instead of the calves get little thin. And you know the Bible fall back on a old plot device it had use a few chapters before, like in a bad episode of season five of 24—which make mankind kinda wonder how great the inspiration really was, in truth—and Isaac pretend Rebekah was he sister, just like how Abraham did pretend Sarah was he sister, to try and duck a horn, nuh, just like he father—even though was the same King Abimielech who did try to manners Sarah, thinking was Abraham sister, not he wife, the selfsame King Abi on whom God did nearly had was to put a lash on whom.

And Isaac and supposed sister Rebekah was friending real strong but like they couldn’ta find no where else to do they business but right outside King Abimelech window and Abi sight them plain-plain. “Appa-yappa!” say King Abi, “that is surety thy wife and you coulda well put we in thing with the Lord again becaw you saying is your sister and one o’ we mighta lash it.” So Abi put a ban on any Gerar man putting down work on Rebekah, whether sister or wife or just plain scabbical. And Isaac crop and them grow so good, he get back a hundredfold of he investment, which is either a miracle or a Ponzi scheme, but Isaac end up with one setta flocks and herds and great stores of servants and thing. And them Philistine was real bitter. And King Abi tell Isaac, “Thou art much mightier than we! G’wan from here, yuh dorg!”

And Isaac bus’ it and went in a next place which the Bible doesn’t really say was where, but must be was close by, the equivalent of Cascade to Gerar St Ann’s, and Isaac dig up the selfsame wells he father, Abraham, had dig, and which the Philistines had stopped—them had hate Abraham so much, them didn’t even want Abraham water in a desert—and Isaac call the wells the same names Abraham did call them. Them did name well that time, like how maxi-men does name they vehicle now. And then Isaac servants dig a real boss well and you know them herdsmen of Gerar rush Isaac and say the water was them own? And Isaac call the well Esek but me ent know if that will come up later in the story, like how, if you see a gun in a movie, somebody going and get shoot, and they dig a next well and name him Sitnah, and them Gerar-men strove for that one, too, like they well-stroving with him in truth. But the next well, which Isaac name Rehoboth, them didn’t strove for that one—God alone knows why.

Then King Abimelech come een to Gerar with a pardner, Ahuzzath, and Phichol, the army captain, and Isaac axe them, “Wham-dey? All you rushing mankind now he have well and thing, but all you well run me out of all you savannah, though!” And they say, “Oh, Gorm, man, Isaac, man, ease we up, nuh. At least we didn’t pelt no blows on you and we didn’t hustle you sister, which was really you wife.” So Isaac say, “Cool.” And he call a next well Shebah and the name of the city is Beersheba unto this day, and like that impress them old Jew and them, becaw they put it in the Bible. And things was looking easy-like-Sunday-mor-or-ning-bwa-da-da-bwaow, bwa-da-da-bwaow-bwaow-bwaow until Esau was 40 years, when he take Judith to wife, but Judith was Beeri the Hittite daughter; and that give Isaac and Rebekah real grief.

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