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Let it be, letters BC

Friday, October 17, 2014

When Trinidad becomes more ridiculous than normal, like when we won’t accept someone would actually stand up for a principle instead of wining down for it, I lighten the weight of being Trinidadian by being Trinidadian and laughing at things to cry about.  Here, then, are my completely authentic—ie, 100 per cent made up by me—letters from the editor. (The idea was stolen openly and shamelessly, like a prime minister’s reneging on a promise to stop a highway, from National Lampoon.)

Sir, Wayne Kublalsingh is a pretend Abu Bakr, holding the whole country to ransom. He pretending to collapse and nearly dead, he must be not even a real doctor, he must be Nurse Kublalsingh. I plenty more qualify to fast than he because, since I small, everybody from parent to pandit to principal always telling me I too fast with myself. To show how smart I is, I going and hunger strike against a hunger striker. Is a good thing he wasn’t a suicide bomber.
Ravi NG Lunatic-Singh,
Blind loyalty,
UNC country

Sir, Things real good as a jihadist. They pays your airfare, business class, free drinks all the way to the Middle East! You gets one thousand dullers solid liquid cash, US dullers! You doesn’t even has to fight self: everybody in long bedsheet with they head wrap up like roti, so you just tells them you did fight.  And, if you find out who on your side get kill that day, you could draw he pay, too, before they stop it. And it have endless captured woman at your right hand to spare your right hand, y’un’stan?  Onliest thing is, you does have to hide when you eating your bacon-burger.
Trinidad ISIS Fighters,
Looking for Doubles in Syria and Iraq,
God is Great Business

Sir, Why idi-yat National Security Minister say man from the Rock never have ’nuff money pay ’im way when ’im reach Trinidad for a likka five-six days holidays, maybe stay on for a likka two-three-four years minimum wage work?   Man from the Rock have fi see the spirit of the Treaty of Chaguanas given ’nuff respect, seen? Also the Christian institute-shan of marriage, ain’t it? What Griffiths want man do? Marry Trini woman fi stay in Port-of-Spain when ’im hall-ready have three-four wife and ’nuff pickney back ’ome in Kings-tan? 9,000 Illegal Jamaicans,
‘Iding in plain sight,
Kingston 21 (aka Port-of-Spain)

Sir, Honestly, we simply got a lot of the King James Version translation wrong in 1611. In the beginning, eg, it was the Work: God had all that WORK to be done, not just one WORD, in seven days. You see? When you have 50 people squabbling over every word, and in poor indoor 17th-century lighting, too, you give up on accuracy and go for consensus pretty quick. Just don’t tell the Pentecostals that, if we’d interpreted the ancient Hebrew properly, we were really supposed to call it the Holy Spirit, not the Holy Ghost, it should be Mount Sion, with an ess, not Mount Zion, with a zed, and God didn’t really say homosexuality was “abomination,” he said it was “fabulous.”
54 Angry Men, Finally ’fessing up,

Sir, Don’t waste your time arguing about global warming. Read the cards and weep: AIDS; hundreds of different strains of mutating influenzas; cancer; Mad Cow Disease; diabetes; ChikV. And now Ebola. I will do for you all a LOT faster than you all think. Imagine 50 to 90 per cent of everybody you know dying in three weeks. There won’t be enough of you all left to poison the planet.
Mother Nature,
Dealing with the Plague of Humans at last, End of times with no rapture

Sir, We want to make it clear we don’t support the lunatic jihadists who make selfies of the decapitation of innocent people and shoot 12-year-old girls in the head for wanting to go to school. Islam is a religion of peace, especially if Sharia law is applied rigorously. Islam treats women as equal to men, as long as they wear veils, condone polygamy for men but monogamy for themselves, remain at the back of the mosque and accept that it is God’s will that they can never be leaders of the faith. We are also in complete and unflinching support of the freedom of the press, as long as no one publishes cartoons we don’t like. And we insist that every Muslim nation be fully democratic, so that it can freely elect a theocracy and impose Islamist belief on all minorities.
Mainstream Muslims,
Ducking responsibility,
All over the world

Sir, Wayne Kublalsingh could dead, we don’t care. The government could bulldoze the whole firetrucking Northern Range and use it as backfill to build highways through every swamp in the land, we doesn’t give a flying firetruck. People could murder children by the dozen and the Hindu Marriage Act could be amended to allow 12-year-old Hindu girls to join they Muslim sisters and lawfully get raped by they husbands and we will yawn and scratch. But, if you think you could stop Carnival next year, we will firetrucking riot. We rather dead with Ebola in Lent than miss one single Jouve. You mad or what?
All around you,
More money than brains

Sir, As with the Carnival, so with the Cabinet: all feathers and beads at exorbitant expense, tawdry excess and extravagance…all for the wealthy and the well-placed to play themselves. Boldfaced has never been so bold. No firetrucking joke. 
The Great Highway Heist,

BC Pires is a man of false letters but is not applying for a big state job. Visit to read more of his writing.


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